The Story in which Everyone Dies
by Kiroscura
Summary: The title is pretty self-explanitory. Please read and review.
1. In Which I Kill Off Simon and Co

"It's a-commin'! It's a-commin'!" Screamed Cecilia, who was currently delivering Simon's illegitimate child.  
  
Martin didn't hear her. He had fainted. Cecilia had only recently informed that the child was not his, but Simon's. Martin had always had a sneaking suspicion that a girl couldn't get pregnant if you kissed her in baseball pants, but he couldn't have been sure. He was out with the flu during sex ed, and wasn't good for much more than standing around in futile attempts to be hot.  
  
Martin began to wake up.  
  
"Is she done with the whole baby thing yet," he weakly asked the doctor who was trying not to laugh at his stupidity.  
  
"No," she replied shortly. Martin fainted yet again.  
  
Little did they know, but, thirty-two thousand feet above them was a plane. In the plane was Simon, who was coming home to see the birth of his little bastard son.  
  
"Passengers," said the pilot, "We are beginning descent and...HOLY WILDEBEASTS WITH LICE!" He shouted into the intercom. "WE'VE GOT A GAS LEAK! JUMP! JUMP FOR YOUR LIVES!" Unfortunately for him, it was too late. "Boom!" went the plane. "Pop!" went Simon.  
  
Back in the delivery room, Cecilia watched in terror as the plane's engine crashed through the ceiling, smushing Martin into something that resembled a pancake that fell into a bathtub.  
  
"My...hair!" Cecilia cried in agony. "It's all mused! I HATE it when dying people ruin my hair." She flopped to her side, dead as a doornail.  
  
Her son jumped right on out.  
  
"Forget them," He said in an annoyed tone. "I'm outta' here!" He turned to the doctor. "Mommy?"  
  
"Sure," she replied. 


	2. In Which I Kill Off The Supreme Overlord...

Disclaimer: I forgot to do this on the last one BUT...Thankfully, I don't own the Seventh Heaven characters, plots, or basically anything else involving the words "Seventh" or "Heaven."  
  
Ruthie was not pleased. And when Ruthie wasn't pleased, someone got a beating from their Supreme Overlord.  
  
"Father dearest," Ruthie said in a sugary voice. "Tell me, why did you...ASK ME TO CLEAN MY ROOM?"  
  
Sam and David became distraught at the sound of their sister..er, Supreme Overlord's voice, but kept turning the mill wheel that ground her enemies into a fine, flour-like substance.  
  
Eric trembled pathetically. He didn't like it that his youngest daughter had staged a hostile take-over of the Camden residence. But, you know...Sam and David were pretty cute all dressed up as little donkeys.  
  
"INTO THE MILL WHEEL WITH YOU," thundered the Supreme Overlord. A herd a munchkins Ruthie had hired to do her evil biding picked up the Reverend and threw him into the ever-turning wheel.  
  
This pushed Sam over the edge. Gosh darn it, he HATED always repeating his brother in creepy, child-like, speech-defect ridden sentences that did nothing to further the plot. So, while no one was looking, in went David! Into the mill wheel!  
  
Annie, however, was looking. Her manic-depression had been getting worse ever since those last children. I mean, come on! Seven annoying children who are always making stupid mistakes. It was enough to drive anyone over the edge.  
  
"Oh! Ruthie! Sam pushed David into the wheel!" She said in a tattle-tale voice that would put any five-year-old to shame. "Throw him in the wheel, too!"  
  
"Fine," said Ruthie decisively. "And you shall throw him in." Annie hesitantly grabbed Sam and threw him in. Just then, Ruthie threw a rock at her head. In tumbled Annie and Sam. Ruthie laughed coldly.  
  
"The world is mine," she screeched.  
  
Unfortunately for Ruthie, the rock Ricocheted off Annie's head and hit a lever. The lever was marked "Pull to Destroy the Evil Lair of the Supreme Overlord."  
  
"Boom!" went the lair. "Pop!" Went Ruthie. She was dead. 


	3. In Which I Kill Off Lucy, Roxanne, Kevin...

Disclaimer: Yet again, I shall state that Seventh Heaven is in no way, shape, or form mine. I just kill off the characters in needlessly violent, twisted stories. BUT, Liver Stix are, in fact, of my own invention, as are Super-spy glasses. So don't use them. (I can't really see why you'd want to, anyway).  
  
Lucy was whining. Again. However, in a bizarre twist of fate, she actually had something logical to whine about.  
  
Kevin looked up from his impromptu make-out session with Roxanne. He hadn't noticed Lucy when she barged through the door after seeing them with her Super-spy glasses while she hid in the tree outside the window.  
  
"Lucy, what are you doing?" asked Kevin as he struggled to put his shirt back on.  
  
"What am I doing?!" Screamed Lucy shrilly. "I think the question is- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Her cheeks jiggled up and down menacingly.  
  
"All these years..." she continued. "I've ALWAYS been overly protective of you, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED NOW, you...you...!"  
  
"Lucy," Kevin crooned in a syrupy voice. "Honey-doodle snooky-buns. It's not my fault I'm an unfaithful creep! I mean, look at what you've done to drive me away. You expected me to be yours and only yours." He chuckled. "Hon, a man's gotta 'sow his oats,' if you know what I'm saying."  
  
Lucy was still pouting. But she felt better. Though it was painfully obvious to Roxanne that Kevin had been conditioning Lucy for years leading up to the day when she would inevitably catch him with another woman, Lucy wasn't remotely as bright as Roxanne, so she remained in the dark.  
  
Just then, Martin's creepy Aunt Betsy traipsed into the room wearing knee-high white boots and the shortest skirt Lucy had ever seen.  
  
"Hey Kevy-wevy," squeaked Betsy. "What are you doing with the Democrat?" Betsy smirked at Roxanne.  
  
"Oh, nothing, babe!" Kevin exclaimed. "You know I love you and ONLY you."  
  
"You lying, filthy RAT!" Shouted Roxanne. "You cheated on me and Lucy with her. How dare you!"  
  
"Oh yeah," said Betsy in prissy voice. "What are you going to do about it?"  
  
Roxanne wasted no time in grabbing Happy's Liver Stix from the bedside table. They were marked "Poison!" No one knew why they were on the bedside table, and no one bothered to ask. But Roxanne didn't care. She shoved them down Betsy's throat and watched her turn a sickly green and die almost immediately.  
  
Roxanne stood over the dead body shaking.  
  
"You didn't have to do that, you know!" Kevin said. "You could have slapped her. That would have been funny."  
  
"Augh!" Screamed Roxanne in an exasperated tone. "You sicko!" She jumped on his back and pummeled him to the best of her ability. Her ability was above average. A little too much above average. They both tumbled out the window and fell to their deaths.  
  
Lucy had become extremely distraught throughout this ordeal. Her tiny brain was working so hard to process all this startling new information that she began to go into over-drive. Her cheeks quivered at a frightening rate.  
  
"Kevin...Roxanne...dead," She though in distress. "Betsy...green." Her cheeks quivered faster and faster. They wouldn't stop! They began to smoke.  
  
"Augh!" She screamed. "Someone help me! They're gonna blow!"  
  
It was too late for her or her freakish, chipmunk-esque features. "Boom!" went her cheeks. "Pop!" went Lucy. She was dead. 


	4. In Which I Kill Off Peter, his Family, a...

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing meaning 7th Heaven or it's characters or plots. (Though I would support the writers if they did an episode in which everyone dies).

A/N: Hey all. Thanks for the reviews!

Mary Camden was thinking, a process that she had yet to fully master.

"I've got it," she said aloud. "I'll go trash the school gym. Again! Only, this time, I won't get caught. Buahahaha! It's PERFECT!" She clapped her hands and bounced up and down.

The passengers on her flight cowered in fear. They had never met an insane stewardess, and didn't care to hear about her stupid plans. They also could have skipped listening to her tell about her flakiness over the intercom at the beginning of the flight.

"This is, like, my worst nightmare," muttered Paris. "Stuck in a plane with some creep-o stewardess." She was returning from her trip to the Bahamas with Chandler. They had eloped, bringing along only Peter and Geoffrey, that annoying kid Chandler had randomly adopted to further a plot that hadn't been going anywhere in the first place.

"Don't worry, my little honey-cheeks frosting-lips," whispered Chandler in as sexy a voice he could muster. "The flight's almost over."

Suddenly, a male passenger jumped out of the seat in front of them. It was Vic, Paris's obnoxious drunk of an ex.

"Hey! Only I can call her frosting lips," he said loudly. "She was supposed to marry me! Again!"

Paris rolled her eyes.

"Oh, and I suppose that blonde in the bikini sitting next to you would be in the wedding party?"

"Um, yeah," Vic lied poorly. "She would be the Maid of...of...uh...what's it called? Oh yeah! Spawner! Maid of Spawner." Vic puffed out his chest proudly.

Chandler stepped between Vic and Paris and attempted to defend his girl. This had been lesson five in the Sexy Lessons Kevin had been giving him before he died.

"Hey, I don't want any trouble here, so..." Chandler began. But Vic had opened the hatch that led outside the plane and was threatening to jump.

"Paris," Vic said. "If you don't marry me, I swear I'll jump!"

"Please do," Paris said in an annoyed tone.

"Fine, then," Vic spoke. "I will!" He leaped from the plane and could be seen trying to flap his arms in hopes they would sprout into wings.

Geoffrey raced to the door. "Daddy," He screamed. "You're my real father, Vic!" He, too, jumped out of the plane in a sad attempt to find someone who could actually stand him and his annoying personality.

"Geoffrey! You get back here right now, you hear?" Chandler shouted out the door. The plane lurched and Chandler tumbled into the sky.

"CHANDLER!" Screamed Paris. "Here I come, baby!" Paris leaped out the door in the sexiest manner possible.

Meanwhile, the cabin had lost all it's pressure, not to mention air. All the passengers wore the masks that popped down from the overhead compartment. All, that is, except for Mary. Mary was sitting in the fetal position mumbling "The wombats! Heh heh heh. Here they come." She was dead within the minute.

From the ground, four soft thumps could be heard.

Peter sat in shock. He was the only surviving member of his family.

"Boom!" went the plane. "Pop!" went Peter. Spontaneous Combustion. Don't you hate it?


	5. In Which I Kill Off Carlos, Matt, and Sa...

Disclaimer: I own nothing, okay? NOTHING! Now, will WB kindly give my mother back?

A/N: Josie, your review positively rocks my socks! Hm...not in this fanfic, but maybe in another...?

Carlos was sick. REALLY sick. He had Smallpox, which Mary had accidentally injected into him during her "Let's play Medical Researcher!" phase.

However, Carlos didn't care. Sarah Camden was his doctor, and he had been in a steamy affair with her for years. Matt had always been too obsessed with his hair to put two and two together.

Sarah traipsed into his room.

"Hey there, my darling pustule nose. Ready for your daily antibiotics, my sexy epidemic buns?"

Carlos smiled seductively.

"I'm ready when you are, you vaccine harlot, you!"

Sarah giggled.

Suddenly, Matt burst through the door.

"I knew it! I knew it all along," he cried.

"Matt, this isn't what you think," wept Sarah, who was about to give Carlos his vaccine.

"Oh, yes it is," he said. "You're gathering germs because you're a TERRORIST! AUGH!" Matt proceeded to run screaming in circles.

Sarah rolled her eyes. Matt had the brains of a pigeon, but he had really sexy hair.

Neither of them noticed Carlos's heart monitor go from normal, rhythmic beeps to one long, high-pitched beep. And by the time they did notice, it was too late.

Sarah had already injected Matt with a lethal disease; Yellow Fever. Well, it wasn't all that lethal, and Yellow Fever couldn't survive in New York's climate. But this was a special, mutated strand of Yellow Fever. Matt died before he was finished styling his hair for the last time.

And thus, Sarah laughed. She laughed so hard that she couldn't breath. She just kept expanding and expanding...

"Boom!" Went Sarah's insides. "Pop!" went Sarah. She was dead.


	6. In Which the Last of the Camdens Die

Disclaimer: I had a limerick to illustrate my point, by I couldn't find a word that made sense and rhymed with "story." So, I'll just say it in PLAIN ENGLISH: Me no own 7th Heaven or it's plots or characters. Got it? Good.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone! This is last chapter in the saga, and I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've loved writing it.

Colonel Camden leaped under the sofa just as Julie dropped her glass of tea.

"It's the enemy!" He screamed. "Private Julie, what ARE YOU DOING, maggot?!"

Ruth sighed. "He's been like this periodically ever since the war. Whenever something breaks or makes a noise, he leaps under the sofa and calls people 'maggot.'" She shook her head sadly. "I used to think it was sexy. Now, it's just weird."

Hank nodded slowly. "Uh-huh..."

Just then, Julie dropped to the floor dead.

Ruth screamed. "What happened?! Why is she dead?!"

The Colonel poked his head out from under the sofa. "The tea was poisoned by the enemy."

"The enemy," said Ruth shrilly. "There is no enemy, you dolt!"

"INSUBORDINATION!" cried the Colonel. "You! Twenty push-ups! GO GO GO!"

"Fine," sighed Ruth. She got down on her hands and knees. "One...two..." Crack! Ruth was a little to old to do push-ups. She snapped in half and plopped to the ground.

Hank was getting freaked out. He just wanted to leave the house and collect Julie's life insurance. Unfortunately for Hank, he got a severe paper cut from trying to file the Life Insurance forms in record time and died.

Meanwhile, the Colonel sat under the couch with a grenade. He giggled sinisterly.

"The enemy is gonna blow up! Heh heh heh..." He pulled the pin. Sadly, he forgot to throw the grenade.

"Boom!" went the house. "Pop!" went the Colonel. He was dead, as were the rest of the Camdens. Somewhere in California, a dog named Happy discovered that she could finally live up to her name.

THE END


End file.
